Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Whys and Whatfors

Just a Dazzy Pic w/his "Squerrrrrrrel" cap!

Dear Dazzy,

Only eleven days separate me from my new teaching year-and while I am excited at the prospect of getting back in my classroom again, I am not happy about seeing your birthday roll around again next month, followed by the fall, and before we know it the roller coaster time warp wave that is Halloween-Thanksgiving-Chrissy-NYE and OMG it will be 2009 before I can finish exhaling...

But for now, I can still get up whenever I feel like it, I can still eat when I am hungry instead of by some artificial time on a clock and I can walk the pooches and pet them and talk to them when the mood strikes. I can visit with M and A and go out to eat and to a movie and talk on the phone and hang out with my friends.

What I wish-what I always, always wish-is that I was still maing dinner by 6, putting it on the big serving platter so we could eat outside as soon as you got home, and then on to the pool at the old apartment ( shhhh they never changed their gate code LOL) and back to our house for something silly on the TIVO or a game of chess or whatever before bed and our nightly talks.

I loved our talks in the dark-punctuated by burps, LOL, or worse;
Rangie trying to get "comfy" and all the time licking someones feet/arm/etc (ewwwww, why do dogs DO that ?);
sighed words-"did you set the alarm?" and "do we have any water bottles in here?"
( in the linen closet, because, damn, that walk to the kitchen was just TOO FAR after 11PM :P)

We talked about everything-the weather and footy and art and sex and love and how we hated GWB for taking us to war and the good VS. bad of both our countries and where our next trip would be and how amazing it was that we found each other and how we would always be Team Daz.

That's one of the many, many things I miss honey-that day-to-day talking, the juggling of ideas with one another, the what ifs and the whatfors and the WHAT were they thinkings?!

I would give anything to have a two-way conversation with you again, babe.
Anything, anything, anything.

While I have accomplished much this summer-my trip to my home away from home, being with Kathy for a while, clearing out and cleaning out like I do every year;
the Feng-Shui fixes and the writing-always my writing, not just on this blog, but anytime I am putting thoughts to paper, whether virtual or not-when I look back on it as a whole, then yes, I am happy with my progress and accomplishments.

But I still want to know WHY- Why are you not here buggin' me about playing tetris to late, LOL, or asking me what we are going to do on the weekend, or what time Smash has a show on next month, or hinting about what you would like for your birthday....all the myriad of things that we would talk about.

All the why's.

While my life is really OK right now, I cannot stop wondering why you had to be taken from us when we were so very happy, when you had so much to give others, when you were poised to rise to the top of your game in every area of your life.

I have a feeling I will be asking why for a very long time to come.

I am sure I will never have an answer that satisfies me.

Love you Dazzy-Always.
KIsses, Wifey.

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