Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Dear Dazzy,

I know, I know, I haven't written in here for a bit-that's both a good and a bad thing.

Good thing-means I am having a bit more of a life

( movies with friends, dinner out with kids that are home for two more weeks, great weather and whatnot) the bad thing-I am at times hurting in different kinds of ways, and some days I just can't even put it into words.

I heard Tom Petty on the radio though-"Freefallin'"-and I thought, that's it- EXACTLY.
That's how I feel-like I am freefalling.

Pulled by the gravity of the soul, to an impact point the is hurtling towards me-
I am accelerating without a parachute to be found and hoping for a friggin' miracle.

On amusement rides, the designers build an exit track for those crazy roller coasters/rides. That's what I need now-an exit track!

This week I fell apart over going to see "Jersey Boys" at Fair Park Summer Musicals.

Kids got me the tix for my b-day back in May; my tears started when the sky turned cloudy and we had a summer downpour-I mean honestly, when's the LAST time it rained here?
Oh yeah, about three months it had to rain the night that we had tix for. Right.

Exactly like the night you and I went to see Phantom, all those years ago in 2000. It was just like then-the rain, the heat, everything; the very molecules of air were matched atom by atom from the night you and I went to our first musical together.

I remember getting ready -"Don't Call Me Baby" was a popular techno-driven disco-y dance tune that was popular then, and we had just bought the CD when we were out shopping, so we popped it on and jockeyed for position in front of the bathroom mirror in my cute lil apartment. We each had a glass of champers and laughed and carried on as we got ready.

It was the first time I got to see you in your Tux!
I wore a dress that I had made just for this event-a sleeveless sheath, very chic in black-and my hair was short and more red than blond.

We made a striking pair and while we got a bit wet and were a tad late we had quite the evening. We had cocktails and nibbles at intermission, and since it was also your Birthday, the kids put out a cake I had conveniently made the day before and set up the table with Power Puff girls party things-just to be silly.

You loved it.

We loved you.

So here I am all these years later, heading out into the rain to go to Fair Park to see a musical-and it was like a Twilight Zone Episode. I cried and felt a heavy wave of sadness that I have not experienced since I returned from our home in Oz. I was with Ashley, our dear Smashers, LOL and she was amazing the whole night. We are so lucky to have her and Mikey-we really, really are. Where would I be in this mess without them?

My grief blindsided me though and I had a very hard time with it.

I tried to control it but grief kinda won this time. All those memories flooded my mind the way the streets were filling up with that heavy rain-moving much too swiftly and filling up all available spaces. We came home early. It was awful.

I didn't sleep well later that night, either, and the entire next day sapped me of any energy or will to do anything constructive. After sixteen months, I thought this kind of thing would have be over.

But I know now that grief can be sneaky.

It's just like freefalling - it lulls you into that "Hey, this is not so bad "
feeling, and then BAM!
you are hitting the ground with too much force and there is no exit track in sight.

Amazingly enough, babe, there are "survival methods" that one is encouraged to read about before doing any kind of free-falling, like free-base jumping, falling by accident, or parachuting.

Supposedly, more people survive when they hit the ground sideways-letting their entire body take the brunt of the fall, rather than breaking all their bones going feet first, or sustaining even worse injuries going head first.

Sideways-not a bad idea. Will have to remember that for next time.

Love you Dazzy-Always.

Kisses, Wifey.

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