Monday, October 20, 2008

18 and counting...

Dear Dazzy,

Today, October 20, 2008, marks the 18th month of your passing.

I know every time I/we mark another milestone in my journey of grief, Iwrite something completely moronic, like, " It doesn't feel like______ ( fill in the blank with a number)years/months/day/minutes/seconds have gone by..." and yet at the same time it feels like an eternity since I have felt your lips on mine, your hand brushing away my hair from my neck, or any other myriad of nuances that told me wordlessly how much you cared about me.

Eighteen months!

The number 18 has some intereting qualities.
The Hebrew word for "life" is חי (chai), which has a numerical value of 18.

In Chinese tradition, the number 18, normally (shí bā), can also be read as (yāo bā), which sounds like (yào fā), meaning that one is going to prosper.

So 18 , to me, should be kind of an OK number to deal with. That works for me :)

I was a mess around your birthday last month, babe, you know that.

Today, however, I am calm, relaxed, almost content.
I took the day off from work-smart move-and I put up your beloved Homer Simpson inflatable, in time for Halloween at the end of the month.

I decorated the shrubs out front with neon spider lights, and the mantle over the fireplace has white pumpkins and my black twigs/etc that I used to always put up, but not last year.

Last year I just couldn't do it. This year is different, which is a good thing.

Today, I decided to see how that would feel, and while it is twinged with a bit of sadness, I feel like we have turned yet another corner-- I mean the kids and I--with the placement of these silly garish lights and plastic cartoon character blow up doll :P

I was able to look through our pix today; I was able to think of all the fun we had during the Halloweens we did get to celebrate together-and it was OK. It was enough.

For today.

Mostly, the day was beautiful because the sun was shining, the temperature was perfect, and I did things that I wanted to do- hung wash outside in the sun, thought about the book I just finished ("Twilight;" thanks DeeDee!)and how the movie version will be as compared to the written words that are all typed into paragraphs and pages and chapters and finally a novel. Like I said before, I decorated for fall, enjoyed our photos as I had lunch outside and, well, I guess I really just embraced the day.

I was acutely aware of the ticking clock, however-"Oh, it's 11 AM, you were still here with us 18 months ago, I just left you a voice mail at work..." and so on, so I busied myself with some yard work and then took my watch off and went to the grocery store. I parked out front when I came home-by habit, not on purpose-to bring the groceries in and that's when I saw it was 6 pm.

By 6 PM , that fateful day in April, I was well and truly numb. I don't remember who called everyone, yet I know I lied to the kids on the phone, thinking that they wouldn't get into a wreck as they drove home from college if I didn't give them all the details just yet.

I remember being wired in that weird blood-goes-cold kind of way, feeling as ethereal as you must have felt, babe, wanting to know: HOW THE F**K DO WE FIX THIS MESS ?

Of course this is something that will never be fixed.
I can never be fixed to be as good as new, either. I know that now. I am forever changed.

I can, however, be open to what's going to be next in my life. I think?
I mean if it's more crap, then I'll pass, right?

I would like something positive to breeze my way-and the kids' way, too-pretty soon.

We all need it.

I did have lots of funny little reminders of you throughout the day, babe. Made me smile.

Mikey took some pix yesterday of my now "feral" garden, LOL; it's got tomato plants as tall as I am, and before I take them down in a few weeks, I wanted a record of their size-I felt like Don Corleone in The Godfather, running through that maze of a garden...:P

Anyway, in one pix there is an orb-plain as day.
Since we took these pix at night, that was pretty cool, honey. (See above for the pix)

I also had a stateside friend send me a copy of the AFL GF-complete with Aussie commercials etc . I will watch it in its entirety tomorrow. I mean, I know how it ends, LOL, but I want to see the halftime people and all that jazz. A slice of Aussieness, some "G'days: and :Mate!" and "what a maaaaaaaaaaark!" things like that that I well and truly miss.

One day soon I will be able to watch the GF LIVE again at the MCG! WooHoo!

As I am typing here, I have Dancing with the Stars on inside on your jumbotron of a TV.
It's being TIVO'd, so I can watch it later with no commercials; lo and behold what song do I hear? Funkytown by LIPPS INC!

Wow, what a blast from our past, huh babe? I remember when you sent me this three page(!) questionnaire and it had all the "What's your fave color/food/whatnot" kind of Q's, and you had put this in the slot of fave new song on the radio. I like it as well, and we liked the lyrics, too.

It was pretty apropos when it came to you moving to the US, too, Dazzy, as the kids and I were part of that "...Gotta move to a town that's right for me....gotta move on!"

So that made me smile, for I can see you dancing to this silly song in our house here in TX, doing you lil white boy with rhythm dance in the bathroom as this came on the radio one spring day, when we had first moved in. I always thought I would get to dance around the house with you, honey, until we were older than dirt and greyer than the old grey mare, :P

Sadly, that was not to be. You know I will always always always carry you in my heart; your memories are mine and that line between Sue and Daz blurred so long ago that I will always be Suedaz when I sign into things on the 'net.

I will always be a whole person made up of part me, part you, babe. Forever!

Love you, Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

1 comment:

Luanne said...

Got to your blog from a comment you left on Janine's blog.
I was so intrigued by the nature of your posts. My husband died 15 years ago before I ever knew what the word blog was. But I sat down and did the same thing. It was a wonderful way for me to judge my healing. Somehow I always felt closer to him by doing it. As I healed there was more time between journal entries and less tears as I wrote and read previous entries. Funny how that works.

I have a different opinion than what you left on Janines blog, but one thing we can agree on is widowhood sucks.
Enjoyed your post about the TV going on and off mysteriously. I have two blogs and one I try to devote to widow kind of things but not always. Your comment spurred me to write some of my own experiences.
Happy blogging, and hope you find many blessings as your heart continues to heal.