Mother's Day

Dear Dazzy,

Today is Mother's Day. A day I was always so happy to be able to celebrate!
Once we met, you told me what a good mom you thought I was, and how you wanted us to have kids together, too.

It's a regret in my life that I couldn't give that kind of joy to you, but you always brushed that aside with a "no worries" and a big smile. You said it didn't matter, that you were happy to have Ash and Mike, that you secretly always wanted twins...and you always claimed them as your own.

Both kids are here with me now. We grieve together, laughing and crying over you, wondering what on Earth we are going to do without you. What a large hole you have left in our hearts, honey. It's huge, and I know nothing will ever fill it and make it whole again.

We did, however, go to Mimi's for lunch, and the kids wrote me a beautiful card/letter-they both asked what I wanted to do today, and I told them that I just wanted to stay close to home and be with them. That's what we did.

We worked on the yard a lot today as well. Melinda came by with her hubby Tom and his chainsaw-they helped us take down the part of the front tree that got hit by lightening two weeks ago. Matt was by to mow the grass. The fertilizer we put down about a month ago is starting to pay off. I want to finish the side garden, but it is proving too much for me to get through emotionally. It will now be a memorial garden for you, honey; we bought a squirrel statue to reside in it since you loved them so.

Last night was terrible-I couldn't sleep, the kids were out late, my anxiety was awful-so today I made sure I walked for an hour, lifted my small weights, etc. We'll see if that helps. My "crying till I puke" rants have gone; now I just have this incedulous sadness that sweeps over me almost all the day. I hope that hurries up and goes soon. I am ready for the angry part now!

Remember when we used to lie in bed, and when you kissed me goodnight I would always say that that was the best part of my day?

I really meant it, babe. I know you knew that, and I hope that made you happy.
It sure did me.

Tomorrow starts another week-my last full week of the school year. Seven more times to wake up early, the I have a long summer. It will be even longer without the man of my dreams by my side, but I will make it somehow. Andrew and Kath talk to me for hours on end about you, and I am grateful for their friendship.

We all miss you very, very much, Dazzy. More than words can ever say.