Rainy Saturday

Dear Dazzy,

Wow, we have had even more rain today-and with the duck pair visiting us again, it may be ARK time!

I talked with Andrew today, he is going to the house tomorrow to talk to your brother, honey-Stevo hasn't called me since he got home weeks ago. Then again he hasn't called you in a long time either, so hey what's news, eh?

Andy and I laughed about how you used to inpersonate us both, with great acuaracy I might add...and we sniffled a bit remembering that you won't be around to do that any more. You were so proud to have been an extra in a movie once-your ego growing by the second-and I found this pix of you in your Super Famous shirt...it was your 40th birthday(!) and we went to dinner theatre with friends and had a grand time. I like this pix because you and I look so damn happy in it...:(

I watched Children of Men-a movie we missed when it first came out, but one you would have enjoyed-and I walked heaps with Smashers tonight. I also found a CD titled "Daz's Trance" in the CD case that I bought you ( along with a CD player and cd's)for your birthday in 2000. The year you came to visit, the year we went to Phantom, the year we fell in love.

Seven years ago, in April ,you first told me you were falling in love with me.

I told you I felt the same thing for you. It was Easter Sunday, and the kids were with their poor excuse of a biological father. You told me the day before that you would call me at 6, and you did-and we talked for HOURS.

We both admitted to butterflies when the phone rang, and giddyness in hearing the other's voice. We were figuring out that we wanted to be together, distance be damned. It was a heady time, full of promise and all things wonderful.

When I think back on those days I think about how content I was to know that you cared about me. You made me feel so loved.

I know we made each other happy. And yes, we even made each other crazy sometimes.

No matter what, though, we loved each other with a passion that most people never experience, no matter how old they live to be.

For that, I will be eternally grateful.

As Ash and I talked today, she had this insight: Because we know that energy cannot be created or destroyed, only changed, then we know your energy continues to exist in the Universe, babe.

While it is not what I wanted-I need your arms around me still-it will have to be enough. I will have to be accepting of that and will have to go on. It's as simple, and as complicated, as that.

I have a long summer ahead. Maybe one day I will be just a tiny bit happy once again, but for now, Dazzy, missing you hurts in ways I cannot describe in any human language.

Sadly, Wifey