Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Just back from a three day tour of Austin with KathUSA. I needed to get away from the house for just a short time-and this time I went without much boo-hooing.
Kath and I went out to eat a few times, saw some hill country, and just relaxed a bit.
Of course Kath can be testy sometimes-I don't think she really gets the depth of my sadness over losing you, honey, and sometimes she does the "don't worry, you'll find someone else" thing.
Ouch. Like a replacement Daz would ever be a good thing. :(
She just doesn't have a frame of reference for this kind of hurt. I don't know if she has ever been loved the way you loved me , babe. That's a sad thing, ya know? Lots of people never get close to what we had. I guess I should be grateful in some way that I had you and your love for the time I did, but it's still pretty shitty to me that you're gone.
Last night I slept in our bed again-with both dogs, of course- and had a good night's sleep.
I STILL don't dream. If I am dreaming, I have no recollection of any of them once I wake up. I would pay good money to see you in my dreams, honey. Really, I would!
The break from the non-rountine I had going on here was a good thing. I feel like I can maybe get a bit more done during the day now, for whatever the reason. Maybe I can find a bit more of that new normal that will work for me, whtever that is.
While I was in Austin, I saw the Transformers movie. Babe, you would have LOVED it!
It was so high-tech and all fantastic animation/special effects...and of course the main car is a Camaro, lol. I kept looking over to my right-there was an empty seat next to me, even though the theatre was full-and wanted to make comments to you about what was going on/the special effects stuff-and it was more than a bit surreal that you were not there.
You always sat on my right at the movies. We would share some candy and a bottle of water; you hated popcorn( go figure) so if we got any it was all mine :P You would always hold my hand or put your arm over the seat and we would lean and snuggle on each other like littermates. Damn, I miss that. Heaps and heaps and heaps!
The worst part is not having you to talk to afterwards. We would take apart the plot and compare the characters to people we know and just enjoy each others compnay over a cuppa or a coffee. It was always a fun date when we went to the movies.
I enjoyed my time at K's as much as I am enjoying anything these days. I had a hard time Monday night when we went to this coffee place that overlooks Lake Austin.
We sat outside, right on the water on a cantilevered deck, and the cresent moon and Jupiter were beautifully lit in the dark western sky. It was a romantic place, with lots of couples milling around. It felt odd and sad and just plain wrong that you were not there with me, like somehow the earth wasn't spinning correctly. My universe is all screwed up since you've been gone, sweets.
However, you'd be proud , honey-I didn't cry until I was back at K's and in my room.
That made it hard to fall asleep, and I didn't want to wake K with my blogging, so I tossed and turned a while and eventually slept. I woke up tired and cranky , wishing the past three months had been nothing but a nightmare of garish proportion.
Sadly, that is not the case.
So I write to you and talk out loud to you, LOL, especially when I am by myself-not as much as I once did, maybe, but just to hear your name sometimes, I do that, you know? It comforts me.
Every day feels like a do-over regarding my life. Every day I have to make sense out of living wihtout my greatest support, my biggest cheerleader, my loving and sometimes cheeky hubby.
It's hard yakka babe. Really hard. No one asked ME how I wanted things, nor did they ask you, eh? So now I get to choose-to a point-how things will be.
I would have never chosen to have a life without you, my love.
But it is here now, and I have to decide on a direction and a plan and whtever else.
It's a bit overwhelming. Hope you-or at ther least the memories I carry of you-can help.
I know you would never leave me truly alone, honey. I know that for sure.
I think about how brightly Jupiter shone the other night, and of course then I realize how it's not generating its own light, it's reflecting the sun back into our line of sight.
You and I took turns doing that for one another, and I wonder now howand if I will ever find that kind of light again.
I miss you, honey, but I am going to start the day and I will attempt to find some joy in it somewhere-some nook or cranny surely has some spark of creative, fun energy that you left behind for me to find. I promise I'll look for it. All I need is your light to lead the way.
Love you Dazzles.