Grief and Closets

Dear Dazzy,

Anna Quindland, the journo, has this to say about grief:

"Grief remains one of the few things that has the power to silence us.

It is a whisper in the world and a clamor within.

More than sex, more than faith, even more than its usher, death, grief is unspoken, publicly ignored except for those moments at the funeral that are over too quickly, or the conversations among the cognoscenti, those of us who recognize in one another a kindred chasm deep in the center of who we are."

Indeed.

"A chasm in the center of who we are" is exactly how I feel most days right now.

I am coping with it- walking far away from it and ignoring it some days; peering over the edge in others; simply tap dancing on the rim of it all when I feel especially delirious-but I can never pretend it isn't there. I'd like to, that's for sure, but I know that won't help me-or anyone else grieving over your death, babe-begin to heal.

These past few days have been brilliant-Mitch is here from Temple( it's a lil town in TX, lol)

to hang out with Ash and Mike. They have been to the movies and out with Dallas people at a great party last night and today Mike and band filmed their spot for a chance at American Band, an offshoot of American Idol. This is simply the very first step, but who knows?

While Mitch was filming, I had an odd feeling-then I realized it was his Aussie accent coming through that made me feel so at ease! He was filming the band, giving direction, just like YOU would have , honey!

It was eerie and weird and spooky all at the same time, but it just felt so right.
A bit of deja vu hit and I remembered when Mikey and the band Highway 121 were filming their "last stand" before they all went off to different colleges.

You filmed them all at Matt's house, we had all the parents there with beers and snacks, and we had a blast.

You of course went home and edited and great DVDs for all the boys. You always went above and beyond for the twins and their friends, like they were your very own.

I always loved you for that, sweets.

Always.

So while the boys recorded today, I took both dogs into our room to keep them out of mischief.
Boomer slept most of the time, and Ranger hid. :)

I decided to clean out my closet-it was on my to-do list anyway-and I finished up before the boys were done. I finally had to chuck out the black ankle boots you bought me on my first trip to Oz. We went to the Victoria Market and had so much fun; you thought those boots were super cool-and they are-and made me try them on.
I went home with them to the US and wore them every chance I got :)

I hated getting rid of them. It's bad enough having to go through your stuff and get rid of things, honey, but things you gave me-pressies for no reason-ouch.

I did it though. I figured if you were still here I would have tossed them anyway because they really have seen better days , and you always liked looking at a nice pair of shoes!

I still have the hot pink heels you bought me the week before my world changed. I only wore them for your memorial service; I'm not sure if I will ever wear them again or not. I don't have to decide on that today, however. Good thing. I have enough decisions to make any day of the week.

Since I was doing so well in my closet I moseyed on over to yours. It still smells like you, manly and warm; sometimes I simply stand in the center of your space and just breathe. It's weirdly comforting at times. Frankly I don't even care who thinks it weird. I am past worrying about what people think or say or do, especially when it comes to you and me.

Anyway, I actually got through your sock drawer today. Anyone who knows you knows how many bloody pairs of socks I had to deal with, since you would buy new ones and never throw the old ones out!

I didn't mind doing the socks. I tried the t-shirt and jeans drawers, but that didn't go so well, so I stopped. My ability to donate your other things will expand in its own time. I am simply not ready yet.

I kept two tee shirts as well as your AC/DC lounge pants and shirt.
They will be my winter PJ's :P

I also found your bow tie-the one you wore to countless opening nights, and most importantly, to our wedding five years ago. I hope Michael will wear it to HIS wedding one day. :)

Soon I was finished, and proud of myself for getting that far. I felt close to you in there today honey. That was nice in a bizarre kinda way, you know?

I planted some stuff this weekend, trimmed shrubs, painted ceilings, put up trim in the kitchen-a heap of stuff that kept me really busy. This week my car goes in to get repaired and Kath is coming for a quick visit and I am determined to clean up your workbench and garage before school rolls around on Aug 20th. I also have to fit in dentist and other checkups.

I would have normally had all this done the first two weeks I was home, but I have been so stagnant since you've been gone babe-but no more. I can feel a bit of motivation creeping under my skin again, ever so slowly, yet there just the same. I welcome it back, along with it's twin, meaning.

I miss them almost as much as I miss you, my darling hubby. My Dazzy. My best friend.

Love you, sweets!
Always.

Kisses, Wifey