Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Shifting Gears

Dear Dazzy,

Last night, Kath was here, the rain was here, and Smashley's '88 Oldsmobile was still here.

Tonight all three are gone from MelYork, the name you gave our house when we moved in..

Kath is back in Austin after her short jaunt to her dentist in Plano and a side trip to see moi.

Smash's car was donated to someone who needed it more than she did. The rain is fickle in TX this year, and is not here tonight. I'm sure that will change.

It wasn't hard to give up the Olds. It had seen better days. It was just a back and forth kind of car for Ash, and we decided to give it away when Bill from next door stopped over and asked about it last week. We were ready to donate it anyway, but he had a specific person in mind that needed a car-a grandma without resources. Ash and I knew it was the right thing to do-good karma and all.

So as we watched it roll away from the front of the house last night, I had that flood of memory that comes when I have to rearrange your stuff, or food shop, or go someplace where we used to enjoy ourselves. It's instantaneous and rich with emotion. I can feel the welling up of tears and the deep breath that I take along with my brain's acknowledgement of your absence.

I remember how the older lady next door to us back in the condo at Fox Trails one day put the car up for sale. I remember you saying it would be great for Smash, and we should just go for it and buy it. LOL Big surprise that you made up your mind in a nano-second, LOL.

It ran for three years with some spit and minor repairs.

I wasn't too sad to see it go, because it was time-unlike your departure from this world, honey.

Part of me feels like it's just another piece of the Daz and Sue family rock that's being chipped away at every time I have to remove your name from something, or tell an agency who has no clue about your passing what the deal is. It's another part of OUR life, the one I thought we would share 'till we were old an grey and smelled like medicine and mothballs.

Every day I have to convince myself that I can do life by myself, that I can handle it, that I'm a tough blonde who can take it.

Some days I believe it.

Some days not.

I believe that I am getting so used to the leaving in life that I am not expecting any staying.

Maybe I need to work on that. Help me with that, will you honey? Thanks babe.

It was good to know, however, that the Olds was going to someone who needed it.

So the car is gone, but in a different driveway. And Kath is gone, from our house to her house. The rain is gone from Plano as well, but lives on in the clouds and the fog of the ever-changing atmosphere.

You may be physically gone, my darling hubby, but your spirit lives on in my heart.


Kisses, Wifey

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