hard days

Dear Dazzy,

Not sure why, but I am having an awful time the past two days.

I was getting a bit better about the all-the-time crying, but yesterday and today have been particularly sad-and I don't know why.

We have no special ties to July. We met on-line in November '99.

You visited in September the following year.

We were married in June '02.

No family birthdays in July. Ooops Andrew's is...but that doesn't help give me a clue about why I am in this funk.

Maybe it's July 4th that's coming up.

When we first moved into MelYork ( LOL I still love the name you gave our lil house) it was on my birthday two years ago at the end of May.

Two months later, come July 4th-USA Independence Day-we had pretty much settled in and unpacked.

We were going to leave to go see the fireworks when our neighbors told us that we could see all the fireworks from our backyards-and we thought "great!"

We got a few beers and saw the kids off to their prospective friends' houses etc and settled in on the patio.

It was hot and humid, typical Texas weather in July.

The first fireworks went off and we could see them through the canopy of our two trees that live in the backyard.

It was like watching a presentation, with the leafy arbor frame of the oak and the pecan leaves giving it quite an artsy flair.

You and I couldn't have staged it any better than mother nature did that night. I remember thinking how lucky we were to be in the house of our choosing; to be with one another after all those days apart; to be so in love.

I was immeasurably grateful that night for all that we had.

Besides, it was really so much fun! We laughed and drank and listened to the simulcast of patriotic songs and just enjoyed the moment.

We talked about the year we were in Oz and had to go to a Friday's to celebrate July 4th for me, LOL, with ice cream sundaes.

We were happy and we knew it.

I have so many great memories, honey, I wonder how they all fit within the confines of my brain. Especially my brain on grief!

I understand what addicts go through; all you want is that one thing and you would do anything-ANYTHING-for it.

Like countless others, I would do anything to have you back.

Anything and then some.

I have been told that grief is like a spiral, and that when you follow its path you pass places you thought you just were-and maybe that's what is going on. Whatever it is, it just sucks the life-force out of me.

I get through the day-errands and whatnot-and now with this dag of a puppy there is certainly more activity around the house. I am having lunch with people this week and going to yoga and the grief counselor and etc. but it is not like having a "real" life.

Like having my life the way it was with you, babe.

I have typed "I miss you" so many times that it's not only redundant, it's redundantly redundant. :P

I simply miss everything about our life together.

Some say I miss what would have been.

No. That's not it-

I miss what we had. I am sad for both of us that we will not have another anniversary or holiday or birthday or even just a weekend together.

We won't be agonizing about weight gain and eating after 8 pm or if the Tiges will ever get another win or how great it will be to dance at our kids' weddings...

I am angry and jealous at the couples I see walking around ignoring one another, oblivious to the fact that love is a precious privilege of a gift, not to be squandered or used for the wrong reasons. I hate them.

Even with that, I do try and look forward most days.

I try to accept what is. I try to imagine myself years from now, happy once again, enjoying the summer and the kids and the dog and the garden and my job-long story short, my life.

It's not working today.

I guess I am just looking for hope, Dazzy.

If you see it, won't you send it my way? I need heaps of it right now.

I know if you could fix this mess, you would. "No worries, honey, she'll be riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!"

That's one reason why we all loved you so much. You'd always want to make things right for those you loved. Maybe you still can, eh? Maybe we just don't understand how that will be.

We know so little of death, of dying, of what's next.

Maybe that's why it so sad for those left behind.

If we knew it was fabby where you are, Dazzles, we wouldn't cry and carry on. We could be happy for you and look forward to seeing you again. I just have no clue.

However, I will look for that hope, babe. Please send it soon-

Love you , hubby. Always :)

Kisses, Wifey