Thursday, July 05, 2007

Stuff to do

Dear Dazzy,

Yes it is STILL raining-and a friend said that if it doesn't stop soon Dallas will slide all the way to Waco! I believe her...:)

I sort of don't mind this rain-it's not always hard rain, sometimes it falls like what you and I were used to in NYC and MEL. It's that great summer drizzle when the air is still warm but the droplets are just cool enough that the combo makes a shiver run down your back; the smell of the wet grass is so fresh it's like breathing in something richer than oxygen.

Right now the rain is comforting. It's Mother Earth herself grieving with us, babe.
It mirrors how I feel inside, even on a decent day when I don't crumble all to pieces.
I am definately having some better moments. I know now that its normal to have a few OK days then step back right into the middle of that india-ink blackened abyss of emotion .

Maybe this little two-step means I am gathering strength. :)
Maybe it means I am flat out crazy!

It's of little matter.

What matters as I go forward here is that I honor your memory and your life in signifigant ways that will help others-an Art scholarship in your name; writing our story so others can see what love can/should be; even getting some people to stop smoking-those would be grand accomplishments.

I look forward to doing them all.

But for right now, all I want to do is listen to the rain beat its rythm on the roof of the house you bought for us, for our kids, for our love to live in , and just remember you. Us. All of it.

I know the rainbow will come in time. I have seen it before. You showed it to me.

Your love was the rainbow in my life, Dazzy. I thank you for that.
While I am grateful for the time we had, that paradoxically makes me sad for the time we will miss together.

I am making a more concious effort to be positive-not that anything about your death could be positive, honey-but it is the only way I know how to start to breathe normally again, so to speak.

Remember Yoda in Star Wars? When Luke is whinging about something he can't do, Yoda basically tells him to put up or shut up-

"Do. Or do not. There is no try..." stolen ( oops dramatically borrowed, lol) from a great Greek philosopher( can't remember which one right now...) but still effective. It's a motto both of us adopted a long time ago. I can honor your memory by using it to help myself.

So tomorrow I will do chores and run errands and play with the dogs and write our story and eat and play with the dogs some more and talk to Mike and Ash about how they feel and do the crossword and talk to friends and once again fall into bed exhausted from cursing the powers of the universe that took you away from us.

Only this time I will not try to make my life better, I will make it better.
Somehow, in some small way, I will. I know you'll help me babe, right? Of course you will.

Love You, Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey

No comments: