Friday, July 13, 2007

treading water at 12 weeks out

Dear Dazzy,

Friday night. Fridaynight. Friday night. Twelve weeks have gone by since you left, honey.


Sadness envelops me in its web of tangled emotion made from the gossimer steel ropes of longing and need. There is no Aussie accent in our house anymore, no crazy midnight parties for just the two of us, no great plans for our continuing adventure. It's like treading water; you feel like you are moving, yet you make no gains in yardage. That's where I am now.

The kids are out with friends; I went out and shopped with Smashley most of the day and had lunch with her, and of course later on I went to Home Depot. HD doesn't bother me much anymore; it's a sad and happy thing all at the same time to go there. Besides, I have stuff to finish!

Target was another matter-all I had to do was exchange something so I ran in quickly since it is next to HD; going past the makeup aisle though I lost it. You would have been pulling me down the aisle to check out the newest lippy etc etc. I just cried and tried not to look anyone in the eye and have them wonder who the crazy chick is!

I miss all that spontaneity and just plain fun that you brought into my life, babe.
I miss it big time. Especially on Fridays. I try to make myself really busy on Fridays, but usually I wind up glancing at the clock in the early arvo and I still compare what was to what is.

I guess I will stop that eventually, at least I hope I will have the ability to do so. Right now I don't. And so it goes, eh?

On a lighter note, I went to dinner with the Wachovia people last night. We talked about you and had great Asian food and vowed to keep your memory alive. They still miss you heaps, babe.


Mary Lou and I talked a long time about widowhood; she was a widow a long time ago when she was pregnant and young. She too lost her soul mate. She swears she "sees" her husband every once in a while, especially during trying times. I told her I thought I caught a glimpse of you-in profile, wearing a white tank shirt and just passing me in the bedroom, just like you would have a zillion times before. It wasn't crisp in vision or even for more than a nano-second. Maybe it 's my brain projecting, putting there what I want the most. Who knows? It was almost comforting. Mary Lou says it was you. I'd like to believe her.

Before dinner I got a mani-pedi and bought a new polish color-it's called, believe it or not, DAZZLES! Its hot pink with sparkles in it-so YOU babe, :P How could I not buy it?!

I talked to a few Aussies tonight Ann and Andrew, one in the morning and one at night.
I still miss the accent so much, honey-but really, the one person I want to have a convo with is you. You and I had the most thought provoking, sometimes silly but always loving conversations that two people have ever had, I swear. Some of our best were written on-line and later we had the gabfest at the IHOP!

I haven't been to the IHOP since your passing, sweets.
We would have three pots of coffee and solve the worlds problems.
Back then, we were grateful to be together and with the promise of the future ahead of us as we ate our french toast and eggs and told the waitress to bring us heaps of milk for our coffees.


So tomorrow I will work on the kitchen some more and go to movies with Barb and fill my day with dog walks and chores. When the night settles in , I'll cry. I'll cry because I cannot have you next to me where you belong. I'll shrug and tell myself well that's the way it has to be and I'll wait to feel better.

I have a feeling better is a very long way off.

Love you Dazzles.

Kisses, Wifey

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