Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Wal-Mart Therapy

Dear Dazzy,
Well wasn't today interesting?
I did some more work on the kitchen backsplash, wrote a letter to your Amex people, talked with Kath, Andrew, Danny and Kate and walked the dogs twice.
In between I did laundry and other house/people stuff. It never ends...

Tonight I went to a group held at Medical City, for widows...and I left after about ten minutes.
I felt like a teenager in a group of grandmas; my age difference was so great from everyone else I was disappointed. I thought for sure there would be someone close to my old arse's start date but there wasn't. Which proves to me even more that all of us missing you, honey, got gypped by the universe BIG TIME!

I was going to stay anyway; the lady next to me asked my name and if I had been here before-she seemed nice and I figured they were having a speaker so I would stick around. Then they put these copies of stuff on the table; when I read the paper in front of me it was a piece of really maudlin poetry( and I use that term VERY loosely here). I started to skim the page, reading quickly, and by the time I got to the third line and realized it was rhyming for crying out loud I asked where the restroom was and got up, walked out the door and that was it.

Maybe it was because Med City was where my Mom passed away. Maybe because I saw my own future-women alone, attending this kind of group to help them get out and do something-anything-to help the pain; I don't really know what it was. I just knew I did not belong there.

Walking out to the parking lot, I was splattered with huge raindrops. With the sun out, however, we had yet another rainbow! That's like three or four in this last two weeks; an amazing thing here in TX In July. I like to think there are harbingers of better things to come. We'll see eh babe?

Anyway since I didn't want to go right back home, I decided to go to one of your FAVE places-Wal-Mart! I figured I would buy a magazine and look around at all the schlock you used to love to shop through, LOL

You friends know of your weird Wally-World self. You know, the one who would but one-dollar flashlights and then spend six bucks on the best batteries money could buy! For a man of such refined taste and good looks sometimes you were a Wal-Mart whore ( LOL!) underneath it all.

We loved you for that, my sweet. You had more fun in wally-world when it was Halloween than any other person I have ever met. Tonight if you had been with me you would have wanted some new folders- since they were putting out school stuff already-and we don't go back until AUGUST 27! You wouldn't have NEEDED any folders, lol, you just would have wanted some because they were new and shiny and full of organizational promise :P

Sadly, there will be no more midnight runs to the open 24 hrs Wal-Mart for yet more lights or decorations for the old MelYork. I know we will not be decorating anything this year honey. It just wouldn't be right without you to supervise!

I wound up shuffling through a bunch of isles in the auto and garden dept. You would have cruised through the video games as well, but they aren't my fave so I skipped them.
I guess that's what my life will be like now; even thought I knew what you would have chosen I can always do what I want instead.

That sucks bigtime, honey, let me tell ya what!
I don't want it all my way.
I want to argue my point and have you give in, LOL I am laughing here because anyone who knew you would realize that YOU would be the one wanting things his way :)

Tonight I found my solace in the auto isle of Wal-Mart. Who'd a-thunk it?
Not me.
I will start taking whatever comes my way in the guise of therapy, however, and if it's in the form of a Wally World then so be it.

It sure as hell beats having to read all that bad poetry about death and longing!
Like any widow needs more of that...jeeze.

Now, Neruda wrote some of the most eloquent line about loss that's ever been written-

"Tonight I can the saddest lines...To think that I do not have him ( her).
To feel that I have lost him ( her)..."

Exactly. :(

Tomorrow I will get up and for that split second I'll know you were just at the computer reading the Herald Sun and checking the footy stories, getting ready to make us tea and petting the dogs as they lay at your feet.

Then reality will smack me; a biting north wind that blows through my soul and tries to extinguish whatever spark of hope that may be laying dormant.

It tries but it will not win, for I am stronger than that.
Neruda was strong. That's why he could write about his anguish.

And as for shopping at the Wally-World, well that takes a special kind of strength as well, LOL and hopefully I will have that, in honor of you, my darling hubster.

Time for bed now. The dogs and I are off to dreamland-hope to see you there sweets!

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey

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