Monday, August 20, 2007

Four Months of Utter Sadness

Dear Dazzy,

Today is the 20th-and we have been without you for four entire months.

How am I holding up ?

Well, some days I'm NOT. Like today.

Another school year looms. Teachers reported back today. Kids come next week.

I was a basket case.

I really started off fine-on time, fed the dogs, made my own tea-OUCH-and all that nonsense.

I took your car today, babe, so the kids could get my tail-light fixed-it went out yesterday-and I happily washed the Z last night so it would be all spiffy for the first day back.

I even put on makeup for the first time in yonks!

Once at school I surveyed my new room. No big deal, just a few schleps back and forth with a library cart and Debby( the teacher with whom I've swapped rooms)and I will be finished.

So far so good.

On to "team building"-with small groups and a PowerPoint that has as its backdrop the Sydney Harbour Bridge...ouch times two. My memory went straight to five years ago when I came back to school a married woman, happy to change my nae on all my forms/charts/signs to your last name, babe.

I made a wedding PowerPoint and sent it around-I was so happy and proud to be your wife.Our Oz wedding was spectacular, and our SYD honeymoon was the best.

I was sad that you had to be in OZ until December of that year, but we knew that's how it had to be, and it was OK. We managed, and plodded on, and had a grand time that Christmas. You were finally home-with me. The kids. Ranger. Where you belonged...

So today I actually had someone ask me how my summer was.


How do you think it went? DUH!

It was the hardest, most gut-wrenching awful time in my life. :(

I'd like to leave it behind; zip it up tightly in a storage bag and put it up in the attic of my life, far, far away from the light of day and beyond the easy reach of any spiritual ladder.

I'd leave it for fodder for whatever it is that scurries through the eaves when the weather changes.

I'd like to forget it was there, and move to a new place without ever taking it along.

I'd like to never cry again, after feeling my heart plunging into ice water when I think of all the things we will never do again as a loving couple. When I think of how much I miss you right now. When I think of my life without you in it...oh, Honey.

This is going to be harder than I ever imagined .

I love you Dazzy.


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