Saturday, August 04, 2007
Here's a tidbit I found today-"A Yale School of Medicine study of more than 200 survivors of a loved one’s death found that yearning for the deceased was the most reported emotion, peaking at four months, and that acceptance increased steadily throughout, with depression being the longest-lasting negative emotion."
Well, DUH. They could have asked me how hideous this all is and I could have told them that "yearning for the deceased" was quite the big hairy friggin' deal. Idiots!
I like the "peaking at four months" timeline. I think I am there, except I am two weeks early. No matter-Like you, I never did have much patience for things like this, things that hurt. I want it all over and done with already.
I printed out this blog today and found I have written over one hundred pages! I have, quite frankly, had enough of grief.
In Joan Didion's book, The Year of Magical Thinking, she states that grief and mourning are two very differing things. I totally agree.
While grief is the feeling, mourning is the action. I am ready to take more action, that's for sure. Sadly, that action will not include you, honey.
Dazzy, living with you was like living with James Bond himself. Drama, action, a fast red car and tales of our own adventures made for a very exciting pace here at MelYork Estate :) Throw in the kids, dog(s), and family and friends here and on the other side of the globe and we had our own little soapie. It was always grand high adventure for you and me.
Now, the pace is slower. I watch more TV and write more in my blog and my journals and walk a bit more-thanks Boomer-and I have this weird pseudo-schedule that will come to a grinding halt in two weeks when school is back in session. Teaching will then take up the bulk of my day-that's a good thing-but the nights will still be without you, babe. The kids will be back up in Denton at UNT and I will be here with the doggies and my memories of you.
It may not be fun that's headed my way, but I will be wrapping up more "projects" that I have going on now or will have started by then. I'd love to write your biography/life story, and I will.
I want to finish those recipe books that I started for the kids ages ago, and I will.
I want to be capable of getting through this black hole called grief and move towards the mourning light of the stars, and I will. I have no idea how , but I am resourceful and stubborn and will not take "I can't" for an answer.
Maybe I am getting to that angry phase, eh? Angry at all the idiots that get to walk the earth and live to be 99 and have everything they always wanted. Angry at people who could have love, but the chose to throw it away, make it too hard, too complicated. Angry that I cannot still have you in my life to make everything so worthwhile.
I never wanted any material thing the way I wanted you in my life, Dazzy. I know you felt the same way about me too, babe. We had a good thing going didn't we :)
So now I read about the Tigers in the Herald Sun-OUCH-and I stay in touch with family and friends who are helping me put my life's puzzle back on the table it was so abruptly knocked off of back in April. Forget about putting the pieces back together. I know they will never fit like they once did.
I looked at the calendar this morning and still cannot believe it is August.
I have no idea how I have gotten this far.
I know I have done some actual work in my grieving, but I cannot say what I have filled my time with except for longing and loneliness.
Hopefully these evil twins will not haunt me for a much longer.
I did clean out some paperwork from your closet today-and while I was in the middle of the paperstorm, LOL, your Boxing Kangaroo cap came flying out of the closet only to land right in front of me. That made me smile with that weird sense of you being not too far away. :)
I like this pix of you honey-remember when we went to the million dollar homes for the house and garden tour? We took this pic of you in the media room-one that you wanted in to put in at our place, LOL
I want that kind of creativity and sense of anything is possible back in my life.
Now would be a good time. I really need it , babe. If you have some to spare, please send it my way, OK?
Love you Dazzy-always.