Tuesday, August 07, 2007
This Hurts like Hell
After going on and on about how much better I have been doing lately, POW!
I got hit with a wave of grief and sadness that was unending today.
I am tired of being strong, of looking forward, of trying to put a positive spin on this hideous mess. Your death sucks and I hate what my life is without you.
I hate that you are gone, honey. Just hate it with a passion.
I hate that I will never talk to you in a real back and forth converstaion ever again.
I hate waking up to just me and the dogs, all squished on my side of the bed because not one of us will sleep in your spot.
I hate food shopping and not buying your stuff.
I hate not having weekend plans with you.
I hate not seeing my red travel-mug with a great cuppa waiting for me on the kitchen counter.
I hate not having that Aussie accent talking to me in bed at night.
I hate the thought of a new school year starting and not having you to come home to on my late nights, all proud of yourself because you made dinner:P
I hate cooking for one or two or three people and not FOUR.
I hate being responsible for every damn thing around here including the bills, the house, the car, the kids, the dogs, and oh yeah ME.
I especially hate crying. It doesn't do any good anymore, it's just a reflex. It pounces on me when I least expect it, and then I can't make it stop.
Tonight it happened at Petco, while I was buying dog food for crying out loud.
I went into the bookstore afterwards, one of our/my old fave haunts, and into the Starbucks-BIG MISTAKE-where we spent many a "Sat-day" night having coffees and splitting a lemon bar, kissing and giggling and planning how we would take over the world of real estate :)
I could barely finish my order, but I had started already or else I would have just walked out.
I am sure the kid behind the counter thought I had lost my mind. He was not far from the truth. I wanted to scream F**K YOU to all the happy little couples/families I saw walking around.
I am painfully aware of them at this point. I think "Hey, I used to have that-a wonderful hubby, and kids we doted on, and a dog and a house and a happy, happy, life."
Taking one thing away from that equation-YOU-and like a house of cards, my old life fell apart.
Sigh. I know I won't feel like this forever. That's the only way I know I am not really ready for the guys in white coats and the rubber room. I know at this point in the mourning process that this will pass eventually, and I'll be able to go through another day without your smile, your laugh, your love.
I just really hurt tonight, honey. Deep down in the soul kind of hurt. I think about the kids going back to school, and me being here all alone-damn. I wonder who'll take care of me if I get sick, when all I want is Diet Fresca and split-pea soup and there's none in the house and...
Guess I'll have to buy some and put it away for those times. You know I am not a person who gets sick a lot, so that's good, but if I did I remember how you would buy me flowers and a Star magazine and get me whatever my heart desired food-wise. You would call me ten times a day if you knew I was home from work and feeling crappy. You were the best, Dazzy.
That's just another thing I miss about you, babe-the way you took care of me
( and the kids), sick or otherwise. Damn.
So tonight I walked around the park with the Boomer-boy and cried and cried but it hasn't let up yet. I guess I will just embrace it, and cry until I cannot breathe anymore.
Maybe by tomorrow my eyes won't be able to cry anymore.
No matter, I know my heart will still be able to.
I'd really love to see you in my dreams, Dazzy. I think that would rock.
It hasn't happened yet-not sure why? But tonight would be a good start.
Maybe that would help me feel better.
I love you Daryl, but I am sure you know that.
I miss you so much I can't stand it.
I bet you know that as well.
Tomorrow will be better, won't it?
Love you Dazzles.