Sunday, November 25, 2007


Dear Dazzy,

Here's an interesting quote:

"A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour" -anonymous

That makes so much sense, doesn't it?
You were definitely of the detour loving type, Babe, and it showed in your enjoyment of life.

I would be cursing the detour sign and gripping the steering wheel while looking for the road to drop off any second as I am forced all the way over into a single lane with no shoulder to stop in JUST IN CASE, goddamn it !

That is the basic underlying fundamental dynamic that defined our relationship.
Yin and Yang
Black and White
Tea and Milk...We balanced each other well.

You pushed, I pulled, we met in the middle and all was right.

Maybe that's why I feel so out of sorts-there is no balance to my life right now.
Emotionally, I am walking around like I got up out of bed too fast from a deep sleep, all wobbly and crooked. I have to feel along the wall to get a grip, and the lights are not on.

I am stumbling.
Not falling, just stumbling.

I guess that's good?

Some things that helped my balancing act this long holiday weekend:

The kids were here for five days; Ash left a bit earlier but Mikey stayed until this Sunday arvo ( I love "arvo" Not sure why; don't you love how I throw that word around like I OWN it now? Another one of life's lil mysteries I reckon :P )

How I love their energy in the house; it changes everything.
I really need people to talk to on a daily basis; adults and kids and even dogs all make the mix a good one. Friends on the phone are good as well.

I hate being alone for extended periods, always have.
That hasn't changed and I guess it will be like that all my days.

I don't have to be joined at the hip to anyone either. It just always worked for us, and it was so effortless. I loved that. I miss that, ya know?

So, this weekend we shopped and ate and I actually bought a Chrissie Ornament-even though I am not putting up a tree. I just couldn't resist it; Smashley found it when wew were in Hobby Lobby buying yarn.

It is a silver snowflake that says, quite simply, "DAZZLE" in cutout letters.
My pet name for you. Actually many peoples' pet name for you, LOL

I'll need to take a pix of it.

Pretty Spesh, eh?

I thought so.

I got teary but didn't lose it(yea, me)and when we realized there was only ONE on the display, we knew who guided us to that shelf. I mean it was in the middle of so much crap-you know how that store gives me the hebie-jebies in the first place-and there it was for Smashley to find...

We did other things as well. We saw "Jesus Camp" and I saw " After the Wedding;" both good indy movies that I missed when they hit the market.

I went through bathroom cabinets and chucked crap left and right and did the pantry and fridge and cleaned up like we do every week, and did more yada yada yada chores.

I even washed the couch cover that sits on the sofa in my classroom reading pit!

Tonight, feeling brave (and bored), I went to our lil Tom Thumb supermarket and put up with the frigging' X-mas music long enough to buy some fresh fruit, veggies and a few frozen lunch thingies. I had that awful empty widow basket-one of everything :(
I splurged on ginger and mineral water.

I loved it on T-day when Mikey came in, went right to the fridge, opened it and announced, "Whoa-you have lots of food for once!" Thanks for the info kid. It felt good to have a fridge full of food again,even if it was only for a few days.

I wandered around,pushing my cart, thinking of us and all the years we went there, goofing around in the aisles, arguing over the fat content of ding-dongs and ranch dressing...I stole a single sour gummy worm from the candy bin display and popped it in my mouth, babe.

Just for you. :P

When I got home I put together some chicken soup mixins' in the crock pot, played with Boomer( damn RAIN - we haven't been out for a walk in three days, the poor dog is going stir crazy)and watched the Simpsons. Family Guy was next, but Rangie had to do the old-dog-has-to-go-outside-parade so I'll watch that tomorrow on the TIVO.

I also had a great time with Mikey at the bookstore yesterday.
I bought Terri Irwin's memoir "Steve and Me."
I plowed through it in a day and a half- replace crocs with graphic art/sales and I could have written that book.

Sadly, I know her suffering, her pain, her weird "leave all his stuff right where he left it" ways. It was a good backstory-the way they met, the crap with the INS, the longing to be together while apart-and it was so overwhelmingly familiar that it gave me chills.

It made me think of all the people that are, have been, or will be widowed.
That makes me hyperventillate to the nth degree.

I hate being a grown-up sometimes.

Grownups that have to drive and eventually take those detours on life's highways.

The lesson you left us with honey? To ENJOY that scenery on that detour.

We are slowly, slowly getting to a place where we can do that babe.
For you.

For us.

So now I'll go get my stuff together for the return to work tomorrow.
You know how I love what I do so it's not really a chore to get my ducks in a row so to speak...

But please know, honey, that even though the kids and I made it through this holiday weekend without you, your presence was felt by us all-because people who have given of themselves, like you have babe, live on in all the hearts they have ever touched.

But especially mine.

Love you, Dazzles. Always.
Kisses, Wifey

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