Thursday, November 29, 2007
Today the weather was bright and sunny as I left the school's parking lot with the convertible's top down. The radio blared and I figured it would be a quick drive home but I hit so much construction that I wound up going the twisty-curvey back ways all the way to our house.
It was a nice drive. I didn't have to go anywhere, stop for errands; nothing.
I didn't cry at the songs on the radio and it almost, almost, almost felt normal. Like it did back when I had my old life, the one that you were in, babe; the happy one that I cherished every single day.
It's not that I am not ever happy now. I actually smile here and there.
I laugh at the Simpsons and Family Guy and silly jokes in movies.
I crack up at the stuff both dogs do, usually as I am searching for the camera like I used to do when the twins were little.
I cry with laughter when I see Aussie comnedy DVDs, and my new fave is Summer Heights High. OMG that is soooooooooooooooo funny.
Maybe I am inching out of the dark tunnel of mourning just a bit. How I am doing that when it's nearly Christmas is beyond me. I won't argue with a good day, though, because I know a tough one will not be far behind. I am much more prgamatic than optomistic at this point.
After I got home today I went out and raked and raked; your Oak tree is finally dropping its leaves. Boomer chased the rake, playing tag with it-we had a good time. The sun didn't go down until about 6PM, so I got a lot done.
I love the way the backyard looks when it's "neatened up" as you would say.
I could almost hear you singing, "... home among the gum trees, with
with lots of plum trees, a sheep or two, a kangaroo, a clothes line out the back, verandah out the front,and a old rocking chair..."
Ok so I gotta work on the plum trees and the animals, LOL
We DO have a tiny berandah out the front and the clothesline out the back so we/me I am halfway there eh?
Whne I was done raking I went out front to get the mail.
Of course this time of year we get heaps of catalogues, and one that I flipped through made me feel a bit meloncholy.
I found a shirt that would have been PERFECT for you honey!
It was a racing cut tee shirt, and in small letters acrosss the front it said:
"I'm NOT speeding. I'm qualifying."
I laughed out loud and had one of those brief nanoseconds wherein my brain thinks in my old life pattern-I knew you would love that shirt, and I made that mental note to order it ...
Reality smacks me upside the head pretty quickly these days.
I didn't cry, I didn't curse God, I didn't throw the booklet across the kitchen divide. I just felt sad that I wouldn't be getting you anything this year.
That was a pretty good improvement over the Christmas card fiasco I went through last week. I was looking for B-daycards for the kids while I was shopping for other stuff,and I had to pass through the Chrissie cards first. I actually found good ones for the kids, but I then became catatonic while I stood looking at the section that had son, brother, husband.
I burst into quiet tears at the thought of never giving you a Christmas card again.
I still have all the ones we sent each other while we were apart and all the ones we made or bought when we were together. The one with the Aussie animals fromj that first year. The coputer made ones where you would photoshop us all in silly pics.
All of 'em, for they tell our love story as well as any words do.
Once in the US with us you always made our family card.
I am skipping that this year.
I actually did buy you a card though. I will put it in your stocking, and then after Christmas I will put it all in your memory box, so the kids can find it in years to come and laugh about the way Mom lost it a bit that first Chrissie after Daz was gone, when she dared ignore death and grief themselves and still bought a card anyway!
Love you Dazzy. Always.