Sunday, December 02, 2007

Raking is Futile, You Silly Humans

Dear Dazzy,

Yes like the title says, I was raking a whole lot today-a lil deja vu from the other day, eh? Here I was. I thought I'd be done. The trees, obviously , had other ideas.

So today was WARM and sunny and made me think of the summer. I'm glad its not summer anymore,babe-even though it went by in a blur for me, I was in such sad shape,so dismal and weepy every second of every day, it's good to know I have made progress.

Progress, like :
Being able to go places that we always went, like the grocery store or the Lowe's-
( I believe, however, that IHOP is on my forever banned list-how could I ever eat breaky there again and NOT think of all the lives-yours, mine, the kids, family, friends, work...-that were changed in that horrible, swift MI instant back in April?)

Talking about you and not crying immediately-( crying is good, but there is an amount that is just too much sometimes)

Thinking about my life, one that will include your memory and spirit, but not your physical being- (that one is still a bit rough, babe)

Getting up on a daily basis and breathing, telling myself it will be OK-

Stuff like that. Months ago all I could muster was the getting up and breathing part; so I will call this progress and be OK with it.

Mikey was here this weekend. Can't wait til both kids are home for the holidays. We are going to see the Nutcracker and a Mavs game. We will hope that you will be there with us in spirit, babe. Throw some snow at us during the Dance of the Snowflakes, will ya? That's my fave part. :)

I also fixed the screen door(Boomer had made his own Doggie Door there for a bit) and spread the hay mulch left over from the Thanksgiving decor out front and I painted that lil bamboo bedroom table we have( now it's white, looks great)and put a coat of stain on the hallway table( better sheen, looks great too!)and took down all the pumpkin/T-day stuff.

I even put out a few Chrissie items.

I am some days torn between leaving it all in the garage, and decorating to the hilt. Today was a compromise of sorts. The wreath out front will be a real mourning wreath, with black ribbon and laurel leaves ( for integrity, etc) and rosemary ( for remembrance). I read about those type of wreaths and thought it would be appropriate for this year. I really don't feel like celebrating or partying or anything without you by my side, Dazzy. :(

I talk myself into being open to all possible avenues of change that may come my way, but it frightens me.

I cannot imagine someday moving, or sharing a life with someone else, or not having the kids around a lot...but I know this will probably all come to pass, eventually.
It breaks my heart into a million pieces all over again to think of these scenarios in relation to me, to you, to US.

There was always an US in my dreams of the future;
US getting older and working to achieve the goals we had decided upon,;
US helping the kids start their lives after college;
Us being Grandparents one day( GULP!)
US travelling the globe, but looking forward to retiring in OZ.
Us loving each other until we were senile and blue haired and "crinkled"

Together forever; Team Daz, right?

You will always be a part of me, honey, always.
Even as I go forward.
Even as life speeds up, and things change, and people come and go.

"To live on in the hearts of those who loved us is not to die"

The world will spin and one day I WILL see you again, but those damn leaves will always be back to fall in our yard over and over again.
Just to prove to all who wield a rake that life goes on and you really don't have a lot to say about it.
You rake the leaves into piles and sort it all out and clean up the yard and all it does is make space for the next bunch of leaves, waiting deep within the dna of the tree branches for the cold of winter to give way to spring.

How I long for spring.

Love you, Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

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