Friday, December 14, 2007

Friday Rain

Dear Dazzy,

It's pouring down rain, and it's getting colder-first freeze is due this weekend. Gotta get the hoses into the garage and rake a bit more.
Endless fun, eh?

While I still count by Fridays-we are at 33 now, which means 19 more and it will be a year-A YEAR(!)-since you kissed my lips and hugged me tight in that early morning wake-up snuggle that we always did; you convincing me that getting up would be necessary to my going to work, lol, and then Rangie dog burrowing back under the covers until you opened the pantry door to get his dog food.

I never heard our bedroom alarm go off in five years; you were always up before it.
You were full-throttle all the time, babe, but in the morning that energy made me crazy! That was probably our biggest difference.

Otherwise we could have been Siamese twins.
Even though you were the prettier one...:)

By this time next week, I will be on X-mas vacation from school/work.
The kids will be home.
Christmas will be right around the corner.
The kid's birthday will be right after that.
Then New Years Eve will wait behind the shadows of this year's waning days to ambush me.
It's all coming and I cannot stop it no matter how hard I try.

I hope that with heaps to do, and people to do some of it with, I will make it through the darkest times with a minimum of scarring. It's hard to stop my flood of memories, though.

They all start with: "Last year, we were__________" ( pick one)

Christmas shopping
Making cookies
Sending Photoshopped Chrissie cards
Calling friends back in Oz
Baking birthday cakes
Watching Holiday COPS ( bad boys, bad boys , watchya gonna do?...)
Going to the movies
Eating out
Having a beer or three on a Friday when you didn't have to work on Sat-Day morning
Putting x-mas lights in the fireplace( it was too HOT here in TX to run a fire at x-mas last year) after we saw it done as a stage lighting thingy in the Santaland Diaries play at the Addison theatre
Walking Rangie in the nicer weather on our after dinner walks

Planning our next trip to Oz, our next anniversary trip, our next house reno...our life together.

How can all of that be GONE? How can all of that just disappear?
How can loneliness and sadness and gut wrenching fear step in so quickly to fill the holes in my heart left by your passing?

Believe it or not, I have actually had a pretty good week. Except for the stupid lawyer wishing me a "Great Holiday"( WTF?) in her last email, I have been able to talk about my life without falling apart. A bare minimum of tears and decent sleep and even a good dream or two have made me tolerable, LOL, throughout TAKS practice week.

Life really does go on, as amazing as that it for me to accept.

Don't get me wrong, honey-it still sucks. All of this "without you" stuff is hard and sad. I sometimes feel like I am waiting for something but I don't really know what.
It's quite weird.

I read stats the other day that said that 5 million people die each year in the US-and that each of those people who pass away have at least 5 people directly affected by the event that will be grieving for an indefinite amount of time.

So why do I feel like an alien? Like a social pariah? Like, wait, this wasn't supposed to happen-not now, not at our ages, not like this...society does not want to know about those who mourn.People want to see us mourners smile, move on, get back in the swing of nothing horrific ever took place.

Too bad-I am still in mourning. I mourn for what we had, what we lost, what we will never experience together here on Earth again. I mourn for all the birthdays and holidays and anniversaries and all those Friday morning snuggles that will never be. I mourn for the woman that you inspired me to be, honey, because frankly she is as dead as you are.

What rises from these ashes remains to be seen.

Today, I wore the necklace you gave me at our wedding-the one you handed to me before our first dance. You told me you were giving me this sapphire with the diamonds around it because the blue would match my eyes.
I haven't worn it since you passed away, but today it just felt good to put it on.
I am toying with it as I type here tonight, thinking that your fingers used to unlock this clasp when I wanted to take it off.
How I would love to have you undo that clasp for me again.

Instead, I will do it by myself.


After I remove it, I'll take my time putting it away.
I'll cradle it for a few seconds, looking at the sparkle of the soft gold chain and the glint of the dark blue sapphire.
I'll wonder once again where you bought it, what made you decide on this piece,what you thought as you held it in secret in the pocket of your black tux on June 23,2002

I wonder if you knew that I fell in love all over again when you surprised me with this necklace on our wedding day-not because of what it is, but because of what it said about you. It showed your spontaneity, your generous nature, your notice of detail and your "go big or go home" attitude. It told me you would spoil me with not only with pretty things, but with the most important thing in life-love.

That's what I miss the most, honey.
Your love.
It's something that I am sure I will miss all the rest of my Earthly days.

Love you, Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.

1 comment:

Kim said...

I was wondering how you were doing over this holiday season. Life is so very different this Christmas, isn't it? I started a blog just like yours. It's for me, so that I can get things out. So much happens from day to day right now, I think I might explode. I will email you the url. Call me if you have time.