Friday, December 07, 2007

Unusual Weather

Dear Dazzy,

Yes, it has been warm this week, honey-much too warm for December, but I love it. Today it was 80! Tomorrow too-then rain coming and cooler temps on Sunday arvo.

Tonight I walked Boomer and Ranger and it felt like summer again.

Good thing it's not-I was so much more mired in that horrible crying 24/7 then; while I am not a fan of winter I will be happy for small gifts, and be glad that I have a bit more distance from your death here in December than I did in May or June...

Not that this is all so much better. It is and it isn't; the entire grief/mourning/death thing really quite a paradox when you think about it.

We will all have it happen to us or to someone we love deeply-and yet we as a society just look for sleeping pills and anti-anxiety crap and say things like "get back into your work routine, find someone new, move, change up your life"-as if any of those things would or could make me feel better. We've lost our rituals for mourning, and that can't be good.

I once had someone tell me that now I have the ultimate in freedom-beholden to no one but myself, I can go and be and do whatever I want. Like I ever needed or wanted that!

They meant whatever I want EXCEPT the very thing I REALLY want.

Yeah, that's helpful. NOT!

I mean, I was a whole person before I ever met you, babe.You know that. So were you BTW.
I read and worked out and painted and created and started back to grad school and all that jazz. I cleaned and cooked and worked and enjoyed all that life had to give. I made holidays special for me and the kids and enjoyed my great friends and crazy family. I was grateful and happy-and even thought I truly wanted a life partner, I was still happy-and the kids thrived.
We were a great lil family unit.

We still are, of course-but this bone-numbing sadness just never leaves. It lies dormant a lot more now; I look forward to it retreating more and more as time goes on and I work at it.
I work at putting our "old" life into a chamber in my heart that I will visit from time to time instead of fully inhabit. That's going to take me quite a while. Might even require some slight of hand, a top hat, and a magic rabbit or three. :P

Gratefully, next weekend the kids come home. Mikey first, then Ash a few days later.
I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
looking forward to their life-force in our house, our home, our MelYork Estate.
I will be off for two weeks at Christmas, and it will be a good break-I will be rearranging a few things, packing up some stuff out in the garage, etc. I will get to do more of your Bio and other projects I have going on all the time( some knitting, etc). I plan on dieting (hahaha) and doing my yoga and walking heaps.

None of that will keep me from missing you though, honey.

None of it.

But my hope is that maybe one day it will be helpful and all will be O.K.

I still have no idea how I am going to get through the holidays without your love, attention, affection and yes, even your teasing. I miss that larrikin side of you, the daredevil guy that would do/say ANYTHING to meek me laugh. It was priceless.

I had a bunch of good days recently but this arvo is not one of them.
Had flashbacks of finding you, of that slow,blind panic that followed immdiately after as I drove home today,and tried to stay away from the house until after the dreaded 4:30.

I went and bought winter flowers for the blue pots outside: pansies and kale and cyclamen.
I am putting the black bow on the wreath tomorrow and I have my faux-candles in each window facing the street. The MelYork looks somber, as she should.

Even our house is mourning your passing at this time of year, babe.

So as the grief waves crash in my soul and retreat a bit, I write to you and I make a mental list of what to do next so that I break that cyce of sadness/memories/crying/exhaustion.

I know how to do that now and that's a good thing.

So babe, I am off now to watch The Next Great American Band, wash some dishes, fold some laundry and workout a bit. Tomorrow is planting and shopping and movie/tea with ML. Sunday I have to cook for the SPED dept Christmas feast-I am doing desserts, natch. Sorry you won;t be able to taste test my cookies and scones :(

While my dance card seems full, none of it could ever really take my heart's focus off the one thing ( well, besides the twins that is) that brought me so much happiness-Daryl Jeffrey W.,
my hubby extraordinaire.

Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey

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