Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Wild wind and crazy weather but the sun didn't set until 6:15 tonight, so I KNOW spring will be on her way shortly. Hard to imagine it, but I have faith that she'll show up.
It's about all I have faith in these days.
Today was so much better than yesterday though-I have given up on figuring out the how/why of the whole grief/mourning shebang. I'll just take it when it's good. I had great teaching moments with the kids at school- I LOVE it when they really truly learn something.
Because of me, no less!
Then I got to drive home in wonderful sunshine-after days of rain/fog/chilly temps, that was grand.
I cleaned up and ran laundry and played with the dogs and watched a few TIVO items( zzzooooommmmm, no commercials mean I can watch three things in the space of one) and then remembered I had to get some $$$ for tomorrow and had to make the run to the grocery store up the block.
Just an ordinary errand. I finished and walked out to the car-and next to my driver's side was a shiny new dime. Just at the right angle to reflect the parking lot floodlight lumens in order for me to see it. I have written about dimes before, how they are supposedly a sign from your departed loved ones that they are nearby.
I like that, even if it is a folktale.
But, Dazzy, if you are going to leave me cash, let's be serious about it, Ok, honey? LOL
Then I thought that maybe it was your way of saying "Well Done" to my fixing the computer glitch this arvo. Seems the high winds topple power lines, and we lost power here sometime today-couldn't have been long because the fridge food was fine-but the cpu was off.
I restarted, had problems with defender, pop ups etc etc etc.
Usually that used to make my eyes glaze over and I would call for help from DazArtist, master computer geek. You would come to the rescue, tell me to " C'mon, jump OFF," the chair and you would make it all right. And you always did.
Well I do not have that lil luxury anymore-sadly-and I had to do it, like Mikey used to say when he was small, all "my byslef.." I was not stressing too much, I didn't throw anything, I just thought, " Now, what would Dazzy do?" and I did it.
Thanks babe-I guess watching over your shoulder really did make a difference in the long run !
After that, I was putting stuff away in the bathroom-and I came across your shaving brush/stand. The one the kids got you for father's day a while back. I was so used to seeing it out on the sink-your sink, the one that now all I do is dust it once a week -that I thought, screw it.
I am putting it back.
And I did.
It looks correct there, like it needs to be there-hard to really put into words but it felt right.
Grieving and mourning is so weird. There is simply no correct way to do it.
Now in a few days if all it does is make me sad, I'll put it away again. We'll see.
So maybe the dime was for your shaving set finding it's way back to where it belongs.
Too bad that can't happen with you , Babe.
We both know you really belong here with me :(
Maybe the dime was for all the times today when I thought of you. Maybe it was because wherever you are, you think of me as much, too. I hate that we are separated, hate it with a vengence, but I like to think that these little round shiny coins make those of us left behind feel a little less alone.
Even if it is just a story we tell ourselves to entice a smile where there wasn't one before, to make our heart hurt one iota less, to have some tangible object to hold onto that reminds us how love was once in our midst in a very real and physical way.
Thanks for the dime, honey-I am adding it to the collection...
Love you Dazzy. Always.