Friday, April 18, 2008

T minus 4

Dear Dazzy,

Thursday was my last work day this week-I put in for a pesonal day for Friday the 18th a long time ago. Not being very sure about my emotions of that day, I figured I should give myslef some breathing room just in case. The real events of this Thursday however are my dad being in the hospital( he'll be home in a few days; bad UTI kidney infection)and the W I L D weather that rolled through.
Once again , the drive home is sunny and uneventful, but an hour later the rain starts and the TV Weather people go into hyper-overdrive as they salivate over the possibility of "tornadic activity." I love the weather in TX for the most part, but I am soooooooooooooo over April and her fickle ways.

You know me , honey-I have the radio and supplies and my cell phone ( that I know will not work when the power goes out but hey humor me) and enough flashlights and batteries that I could probably do a decent rendition of any rock star's ligt show, LOL; my adrenalin kicks in and I silently freak out that I am alone in a house with two dogs who have no clue.

It didn't last too long-the kids got worse hail and rain than we did-and soon I was back on line, enjoying some computer time, chatting with friends.

Other news of the day was that I got word that they are printing my short ( 600 words+/- a few) widow essay in Sunday's Dallas Morning News. Thanks, honey. I am sure that's no coincidence!
At least, that's what I would like to believe. That you still have my back, that you are watching over me, and the kids, and you will do so until we all meet again. That's small compensation for not livng my life alongside of you, but if that's all that I can have, I'll accept.

Something is truly better than nothing, isn't it? I lie to myself and say it is.

So Friday looms large. It's the last Friday in the year since you left us. I will make an effort to be in the house at 4pm, and sit in the last space you ever occupied. I hope I can just meditate about live and love and all that's important during this anniversary of sorts.

I have counted Fridays for a year now-and after this one, I will stop. I have figured out it doesn't matter how many Friday's go by, I will always love you. Miss you. Wish you were still here. I always wonder about your last few moments her eon earth and I pray to any god who will have me that you did indeed pass away as swiftly as I have been led to believe. That you didn't have pain, that you weren't scared, that...damn. Questions! I will probably always have them, but I have put them away now. They don't help either of us, do they?

Life , however, is still for the living and that's what I truly intend to do-live. And just for you, babe, in your honor, I will really live it up! :) I know that's what you'd want for me.

I would wish the same for you, had the situations been reversed. You know that, I'm sure.

So, this Friday, I have hair and nail and massage appointments and will go to see Lisa Willams at her book signing. I am excited about that one! I hope you duck your head in and say "G'Day" in some exciting way. I know you, and all the world was your stage, so to speak, so c,mon, aussie c'mon-say "G'Day Gorgeous" one more time-go ahead and use ole Lisa. Make us both smile.

That's what she's there for !

I am really seeing much more light at the end of the tunnel these days. The good thing is it's not attached to the front of an oncoming train! I don't know what the big turning point was, because it crept in slowly. But I have this gut feeling that my blackest days are behind me, and hope and joy are darting in and out of the shadows, playing tag with my emotions.

Eventually I will stand still enough for them to touch me and say, "Tag, you're IT!"

Love you, Dazzy. Always.

Kisses, Wifey

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