Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Winding up? Winding down?

Ashley's Performance(-she's on the right)

Mikey and Boomer

Me and Dad , AKA JacksonFoShizzle!

Dear Dazzy,

Yes, I know I haven't updated here in a bit-not because I don't have anything to comment on, LOL, but more and more I am returning to a life that does not include hour upon lonely hour staring at the cpu monitor...

Spring is in full swing-and so is the garden! I have pumpkin, beans, tomatoes, watermelon, and heaps of flowers-its filling in nicely and I know you would be proud of me doing it all myself, babe!

Mikey was here this weekend, and he helped me a bit around the yard-he fertilized-and we ran the sprinklers( they WORKED yea)and all that jazz. We went out to eat and did a movie, and on Sunday we watched Family guy while we ate in the lounge room. It made me remember when you and I would do that-sometimes with a kid or two when they were home-and I had what I call the sad smile inside.

Then, halfway through the show, the Dad character starts singing, "I come from the land down under..." and he screws up the rest of the words and Mikey and I, well, we just cracked up. Two seconds after it finished,though, I had the tear works start!

I was surprised at how quickly my old "friend" grief can still rear its ugly head. I cried some after the Moo left, but then went for a great walk and got it all settled before bedtime.

I had counseling today-and we agreed that after my Oz trip we can begin winding down the visits. She is happy with my progress, and so am I. I am never going to be healed, or cured, or fully accepting of the gone-ness of you, honey, but we all know that I hate being negative and sad more than almost anything.

I am happy to have heaps going on at the moment-Mikey going to Italy in June, me in Oz, Ash taking classes and doing performances-it's a summer I am looking forward to. Can't believe it will be the second one since you left us....:( I still have no idea where the time went.

I am thinking of finishing up this blog as well-not that I have nothing to say to you, honey, but I need to focus more on the "me" part of our life together now, and while I will always keep you in my heart, my writings of you are going to go into Biography form. I am toying with the idea of a new blog-but not sure really at this exact moment. You will know when I do, babe, LOL

Of course you may already know stuff that I can only dream about-leave it up to you to be the "first" to see what's next in this crazy game of Life.

Mother's Day is Sunday-and I am sending Val something you would approve of. I hope it makes her smile through her tears...

So I'll be getting tix soon for Oz and seeing everyone who loved you, besides me, of course. I am apprehensive yet optimistic.

Kind of like how I am in life right now.

Boomer J. continues to "dazzle" us with his wookie impersonations;he is so LOUD it's really funny. When it is warm he sleeps under the chair, just like Ranger used to do! Rangie is way too spoiled now and only sleeps on the bed, LOL.

So all in all life is OK right this second-I have lost a bit of weight, I am working out much more, I make the effort to go out on the weekends-even if I am the fifth wheel sometimes-and the garden makes me almost joyful.

I love you Dazzy, you know that, and I miss you beyond words-yet I am anxious for the next chapter in my life to begin to gel.
I have no clue what/how it's going to be like, so if you know something I don't, honey-spill it!

(You know you never could keep anything from me for a long time, LOL except my gorgeous ring, of course! How you did that I will never know...)

As time goes on, I more forcibly extract myself from the maws of the black hole named Grief. I concentrate on finding purpose and meaning in my life once again.
I know it will come-but you know how I have so little patience, babe. I am tired of waiting,and if you have any pull wherever you are, put my name at the top of the "Happiness" list will ya honey? Thanks babe. For everything!

Love you, Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey

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