Sunday, July 06, 2008

Back to My TX Reality

Dear Dazzy,

It's official-jet lag has been replaced with "summer mode", wherein I go to bed between 12 and 1 AM and sleep until 8 or so...bad habits, LOL
When school rolls around I will have to be up at 6:15 again, so I will be weaning myself from the late sleep-ins in just a few days.

Just getting past the last of the jet lag now and it feels good to be awake at the right time, lol.

I have unpacked and done my laundry, while the pile of Australian goodies still sits on the chair in the living room. The photos on the memory card have been dropped off, and fingers crossed that tape I found that says: "Andy's Party" in your oh so pretty handwriting really does have some shots from Andrew's 40th. After finding those two VCR tapes taped over-grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-I am hopeful, but not confidant, that I will have found some of you most precious memories preserved for the rest of us to see.

Last night I was really sad as I went to bed. Boomie and Ranger were all settled in, and just looking at your side of the bed brought tears. Maybe it's the letdown that comes at the end of any trip-you know, life goes back to the way it was, no more running around with all our friends and grabbing a coffee at Shoppingtown, wandering through the streets of MEL, walking to/from Andrew's place...I simply miss being in Oz.

Even the wintry Oz :)

Of course what I really miss is my life with you-I have said it ad nauseum, but it is still true-I have a life now that is not of my choosing, and I still miss you terribly. Some people still don't get it, and cannot say/do the right things, and I almost feel more sorry for them and their limitations than I do for me and my sadness.

My trip was necessary and cathartic and even happy at times. I did what I had to do, went through your "stuff" that was still at the house- speaking of, I got nowhere with the house situation, but that was what I was expecting, really. It will shake out sooner or later, and it will be fine. I know in my heart what your wishes would have been. So do all you friends, and some of your family. The call from Uncle Morrie made me smile. He really thought a lot of you, babe, didn't he?

I could definitely live in OZ-its my kind of place. That may come to be in a year or so; after the kids graduate and get settled we may make that jump across the pond, ya know?
It would be fun to do a whole year in OZ and go through all the seasons, see it in spring and fall....lots of choices and whatnot for me. Sometimes it's almost too many choices that I get to have, whereas when you were here, Dazzles, we had such clear cut direction to our lives. I miss that knowing, that sense of where we were headed, etc. I miss it all.

I will find that directness again, though, I am sure of it. It's in me, I know, it's just that grief sometimes gets in the way of finding it. The only thing I know at almost 15 months into this journey of widowhood is that these blue funk days don't really last long anymore-by this arvo, I will be making lists of things that need to be done in the house/with my stuff, your stuff/etc. I will busy myself with life and it will be fine.

If not fine, it will be O.K. and that will have to suffice.

My words today are not in any way profound or optimistic, but they are true-I miss you. Heaps.

Love you, Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey.


txmomx6 said...

I "get it". Totally. Wholly. It's been a "sad" week for me and I'm on vacation in San Diego, instead of sweltering in Houston! Go figure.
Anyway, thanks again for your supportive comments. It's good to know I'm not alone and there a people out there, like you, who "get it".
I appreciate you.

Tess said...

Sigh..what a beautiful, poignant entry.

You're incredible :)

I'm honoured to read your journey.