Friday, July 18, 2008

Feng Shui-Move your stuff, change your life

( psssst-click on the photos for a closer look)

Dear Dazzy,

Ahh, I procrastinated a bit about finishing the annual clean out of my closet, but finally-its DONE.

You know how I love my Feng Shui rituals, babe, LOL

I have been holding on to some things that I know will fit me again-well maybe not in this century, LOL, but....

Eventually I did the honorable thing, though, and now they are all bagged , ready to donate tomorrow in the AM.

It always makes me feel good to go through my things, to pare down , to make the journey lighter-and it has taken me a full two weeks plus at home after my jaunt to our house in Box Hill to even care a whit about doing this-but I am happy that I felt like doing it, and that I dove right in.

Since my closet is fairly large, and we retrofitted it when we moved in ( you and your built in drawers and chrome hangers- woohoo, LOL) I can keep all my clothes, my hamper, etc., in there, as well as my "visualization board" and my journals ( like most bloggers I have been keeping a journal of some sorts for yonks) , my spare electronics, and an odd assortment of pocketbooks and quilts.

It's interesting to see some of the things I had put away in the back of the closet, and to rediscover some treasures I hadn't seen for awhile.

I packed away the nightgown/robe set my sister gave me for our honeymoon-can't bear to look at it hanging in the corner anymore. Then I have the outfit I wore to your service-what the heck do I do with that? You bought me the top and the shoes only days before; those hot pink heels were one of many small tributes to you from that emotional day that is forever seared into my memory. How could I ever wear them again and not think about that April day?

Other things from happier times are just as hard to look at-the pink halter and printed skirt that I wore for our 2nd anniversary, when we went into Dallas and hit all the fun spots, including a gondola ride through the mini-canals in Las Colinas; The AUS sweatshirt that was too small for you to wear anymore and became mine to walk the dog in by default :P, the shoes you loved-all my high heels were shoes you had a say in picking out...

I could just donate it all, and start fresh, but it wouldn't remove any of the heartache. The memories that the clothes embody are embedded so deeply in my brain that I could conjure them up at any time, even without the visual triggers. Besides on teacher salary, I wouldn't get too much new stuff, LOL, now, would I?

After going through the clothes, I went through some photos (all in a nice box now, and later this summer I will whittle those down/scan/etc)and I came up with one that was behind some bigger ones that I always keep in my basket on my shelf.

It's small, so it tends to slip down a bit, unnoticed until I clean out the basket. It used to always make me smile, and fill my heart with that "awwwwwwwwwww" sighing, but today it just made me catch my breath in my throat and flood my eyes with hot tears and weep.

It's the pix that you sent me, BEFORE we ever met in person, with you in a gorgeous pale blue shirt. You are so handsome, with such a cheeky smile-a smile that always made me melt!

When you sent me this photo, you wrote across it,

"I love Susan"

and signed your name, Daryl, with two XX's.

On the back , however, you wrote the most touching thing:

"Soul mate"

I remember getting that picture in the mail. I honestly do not remember which card it came in , ( for it would have come in a card, that's for sure) but I immediately put that picture in my wallet-so I could show people a photo of the man I loved- and it stayed there until we had wedding photos to pass around.

It goes back in my wallet today; a visible reminder of the love we shared. It doesn't have to be front and center, but I will know that it's there, and I will carry it with me just like I carry you in my heart. Why? Just because I can. Doesn't change anything, doesn't bring you back, doesn't make me any happier or sadder-it's just something I feel right in doing.

Like the song says, I knew I loved you before I met you-and visa versa.
Continuing to clear out/clean up, I rearranged a few more things on the shelf, and put away my Internet love/travel/wedding journals. I then found the perfect use for your silver mug from your 21st that Andrew gave me to take home-it holds all the dimes, both American and Aussie, that I have found since you left this earthly plane. ( Yes, I keep them)
Funny, but when I counted them, there were fifteen-the same number as the number of months you have been gone!
Since it's a leap year, today makes fifteen months exactly.
Nope, these things are not Outer Limits stuff to moi anymore...just interesting. Thought provoking.
Curiouser and curiouser, eh babe?
Moving one's stuff around inside a closet may not seem like a big thing, but for those who deal with grief and mourning, sometimes it's like climbing Everest.
I felt good doing it today, and look at the treasure I came up with, right babe?
There you are, telling me you love me-STILL...
Love you Dazzy. Always.
Kisses, Wifey-AKA Soul Mate!

1 comment:

txmomx6 said...

I loved this post. Very touching and also very hopeful. Thanks.