Wednesday, July 23, 2008
The night you gave me my fabby ring!
On my never ending list of things to do and/or get done this summer, having our wedding rings and my beautiful solitaire reworked was always on there, but just not at the top. Yesterday, that changed.
In the 15 months since you have been gone, I have worn my rings and yours, taken them off, put them back on, worn only mine, then only yours , then all three again; and now its to the point where it just makes me feel sad to see them on my left hand-wedding style. I did wear the trio of rings back to Oz on my trip in June, so that anyone who didn't get to see 'em could do so. But now that I am back in TX, it's time for a permanent change.
While in Oz, I loved wearing my diamond again, pretending sometimes( at the airport, on the plane, in a city where ver few really knew me) that all was well-just a wife out shopping, picking up groceries at Safeway or gardening things at Target...
Well, once I got back to the MelYork, after the jet lag wore off, I had some post traumatic vacation blues followed by weird email and a general malaise about the whole entire meaning of life-but finally I got a grip. :)
I had to look deep inside for that woman who used to call the shots, who was feisty and didn't take crap from anyone. The one who had a life and goals and ambition and who cared about life in all its forms. It took hanging around Austin to accomplish this, but when I came home I got to work again, pronto!
I am happy to say that I have now crossed many things off my to-do list, the latest and most important of which is the transformation of our wedding rings.
I took them to my fave local jewelry place and pored through books of settings. Finally I found the one I knew would work. It will take my band, your band and my diamond and remake them into a right hand ring, and change the setting to bezel
( no prongs) so it looks less "wedding-y."
I love wearing that two carat sparkler. You surprised me with it on Valentine's day years ago, and you were so proud that you could sneak it by me, babe-that made you so happy! I cried when you gave it to me-not because of what it looked like but because of the PLANNING that went on, unbeknownst to moi, in giving it to me!
I never needed a ring like that, but once I had it it was fabulous to wear.
You know I loved it.
So now, it will look a bit different-but I will know its history, I will know how much love is contained inside its brilliantly cut facets, and how whenever the light strikes it, that love makes those little rainbows appear-proof that love never dies.
The bands will be melted and used in the modern design, and I should have it next week! I am, of course, a bit sad that I had to do this-but keeping it all in my jewelry box is silly, yet wearing our rings makes me feel like I am wishing for something that will never come true.
This made sense to me-taking something that causes me to feel grief over the loss of you and transforming it into something that will make me smile.
Isn't that what you and I are both doing now, going through a transformation in our lives? I am not sure really whose is harder, yours or mine. Neither one of us wanted to go through this, but here we are-you over there, me over here. Although Andrew isn't quite sure where you really are honey, LOL
Speaking of Andrew, he is 50 today, babe! Your best friend of almost 27 years is surely sad to mark this birthday without you. To think that ten years ago, you were throwing him the bash of a lifetime for his 40th-Phil Scott performing, food and drink and all sorts of shenanigans happening at the Second Ave house-and I am still sorry you didn't bring that tape with you here to TX.
Anyway, I sent him a card and etc., and if you can, sweets, why don'tcha make the lights flicker again in his house like you did when he was talking about/to/with you, LOL
That was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay cool, LOL :P
Andrew knew about the whole ring thing while you were planning it as well; your confidant across the big pond, eh babe? He never let on at all when he talked to me in the weeks before as you planned your surprise. A true blue friend, that one!
While our rings are such a small part of the whole transformation process, it's the symbolism behind them that bings a lump to my throat.
When we slipped those wedding bands on each other's fingers, it was with the intent of forever. It was with love, and with promise of a full life together-I am so sorry it couldn't be-but in reforging our rings, it will make what we had even stronger.
Strong enough that I will be able to put away another part of our shared life, and every time I look at my new ring, I will smile, knowing that you are still right here with me, pushing me to transform everything around me, in order to have some kind of happiness again during whatever time I have here on this earth.
Who knew that a piece of compressed carbon could come to symbolize life itself?
Love you Dazzy. Always.