Autumn

Dear Dazzy,

Fall.
Autumn.
However you name it, it means change.

I used to see the approach of winter and think of death-the death of the summer, of my free time, of the lush and green surrounds of the earth as she embraces life so fully and beautifully-but then, one autumn night nine years ago, I logged into an IM service (ICQ) and found the man of my dreams. That was some good change, alright!

September.
Kath USA's b-day, your B-day, the anniversary of the September 11 attacks and the anniversary of Michael Christopher's passing as well. Leaves turning rainbow colors.
Cooler temperatures. Winter flowers and veggies letting out a sigh of relief now that the heat of August has left.

Good and bad.
Yin and yang.
The natural order of the universe, all jam-packed into a single month.

By September of last year, I could not imagine living life without you anymore.
More days than I will admit to, quite frankly, I wanted to be with you.

This year is vastly different-I was actually happy to see the Halloween decor in all the stores way too early. If you were still here I know you would be beside yourself with decorating ideas for the MelYork exterior.

In your honor, babe, I bought a box of neon colored spider lights for Halloween!
They are fugly as all get out, but I know how you would have gone crazy for them.
I bought one box; you would have probably gone for six or seven, and made the front door like the movie set from Arachnids, LOL

I LOVED that about you-how over the top you were in most of life's situations.
I miss that enthusiasm for celebrating any and all of life's moments-miss it heaps.

But Halloween's next month. Still have to get through September...

Your 44th birthday comes on the 28th.
This year it's on a Sunday, so I don't have to take off from school.
Last year we named a star, donated to the heart association and arbor day foundation, and had all the DFW Aussies over for a "Matesfest," where we toasted the man who always made everyone smile.

It was awesome and sad at the same time, but I believe awesome won out.

This year I am still working out what I want to do-I think I want it to be more private; not sure why, but that's how I feel. Last year I also had the medium reading; not sure if I want to do that again or not.

At the time it helped tremendously; this year, what else could they add?

You are gone.
Still.
Always.
Forever.

You know I would sell my soul to the devil and his nasty sister if I could have you back where you belong-with me, with the kids, in OUR home-but that will never be.
I look, then, for reasons to make life worth living-like helping the kids, going out with dear friends, even snuggling with the doggies can bring me some measure of happiness, albeit very small compared to the kind of happiness that you brought me.

It's more bearable now-most days. Every once in a while I have that blue funk that descends upon me, and I wonder how anyone bears the loss of someone that they truly love.

Thankfully, it passes more quickly than it used to, so that's a step in the right direction, eh babe?
This past week I bought a snazzy new doormat-all brightly colored fall leaves; purple, red, orange, yellow-all your faves in there, honey.

It's vibrantly colored and really puts a different spin on autumn for me.
It's almost a happy little thing, if I wanted to wax poetic, anthropomorphising a coir doormat.

If it could, I know it would ask the same question I ask my students every fall:

"Why do leaves change color at this time of year?"

Its fun to watch their brains thinking. Most get close to the facts: sunlight lessens, earth tilts, weather gets colder, etc, but the real reason is the reduction of chlorophyll.

Chlorophyll is what makes leaves green.

In summer , it is made in such abundance that it actually covers up the true colors of the leaves. Those purples, reds, oranges or any mosaic combination of such are always present in the leaf except in spring and summer-when the sunlight and the temperature and all the other mitigating factors coincide to make chlorophyll slipcovers for the newly forming leaves.

If I am going towards the autumn of my life, with the chlorophyll receding, exposing my true colors after all I have been through, I wonder-will they be vibrant and richly hued, or just an icky mush of that murky brown that no one can live with?

Hmmm... with you in my life, Dazzles, I always knew the answer. Now I am not as sure.

Being able to notice the colors in the first place made me smile just a bit, and to think that I am may be getting closer to the end of this horrible tunnel of mourning and away from the beginning-that is nothing but good.

"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower."- Albert Camus

Here's a wish for my second spring.