Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Just a quick post tonight-wishing, always, that you were here.
Had someone say to me today, "You seem better this year, compared to last..."
What a thing to say. Some people just don't get it.
Last year when school resumed it had been only four months since you had passed away.
Four months! Jeeze, what was I thinking?
I was always on the verge of tears and couldn't talk about you to anyone without breaking down. Lunch was a chore, the hallways were mine fields-the pity type of eye contact with people was something I really tried to avoid-and I felt disconnected to life in every way imaginable.
Looking back, I should have put in for disability and stayed home the entire year. Every single day I cried as soon as I hit the parking lot, ducking into the Sebring ASAP, and driving home with only NPR on the radio-music was still verboten to me; every nerve raw.
This school year I am in a much better emotional place.
I am excited to teach again, and I want my students to do well-and I will show them every day how to accomplish that.
But I want to tell people that I am not better.
This is not an illness that one recovers from.
I am not over you, or past you, or accepting of your death.
I just put it away better, tucking my emotions more deeply into the recesses of my
forever-broken heart. In that way, I can stand the sunlight , and can hope that maybe the word happiness can find its way to my soul once again.
I doubt it, but then again, stranger things have happened in my life before...
Oh, BTW, thanks for the change, babe- while I was stressing about $$$ and whatnot as I was paying for my groceries at the Tom Thumb last night, there on the counter in front of me were a shiny new dime and TWO pennies!
I thought wow, another dime from you, ; surely the pennies were from my mum-you both must have heard me griping about the cost of living, LOL
That makes 21 dimes over 17 months. They make me smile when I find them now.
Like I said, just a quick post tonight-its raining out, I had soup and fresh bread for dinner, Boomer went to doggie-care today and both kids called me( yeah OK so Mikey needed a baby pix for Italian class, but still, LOL, he does call just to say HI at times ).
I have done the dishes, taken out the trash, touched up my roots ( shhhh don't tell Chuck! :P) and cleaned one bathroom. Tea is up next with a look at anything TIVO caught for my perusal.
Life may not be the way I wanted it to be-but just for tonight, it's O.K.
I can sense hope flitting about, like a skittish dragonfly darting up and down, not quite sure just where to land .
But land she will, and soon. Right, honey?
Love you Dazzy. Always.