Dear Dazzy,

Just a quick post tonight-wishing, always, that you were here.

Had someone say to me today, "You seem better this year, compared to last..."

Ya THINK?

What a thing to say. Some people just don't get it.

Last year when school resumed it had been only four months since you had passed away.

Four months! Jeeze, what was I thinking?

I was always on the verge of tears and couldn't talk about you to anyone without breaking down. Lunch was a chore, the hallways were mine fields-the pity type of eye contact with people was something I really tried to avoid-and I felt disconnected to life in every way imaginable.

Looking back, I should have put in for disability and stayed home the entire year. Every single day I cried as soon as I hit the parking lot, ducking into the Sebring ASAP, and driving home with only NPR on the radio-music was still verboten to me; every nerve raw.

This school year I am in a much better emotional place.

I am excited to teach again, and I want my students to do well-and I will show them every day how to accomplish that.

But I want to tell people that I am not better.

This is not an illness that one recovers from.

I am not over you, or past you, or accepting of your death.

I just put it away better, tucking my emotions more deeply into the recesses of my

forever-broken heart. In that way, I can stand the sunlight , and can hope that maybe the word happiness can find its way to my soul once again.

I doubt it, but then again, stranger things have happened in my life before...

Oh, BTW, thanks for the change, babe- while I was stressing about $$$ and whatnot as I was paying for my groceries at the Tom Thumb last night, there on the counter in front of me were a shiny new dime and TWO pennies!

I thought wow, another dime from you, ; surely the pennies were from my mum-you both must have heard me griping about the cost of living, LOL

That makes 21 dimes over 17 months. They make me smile when I find them now.

Like I said, just a quick post tonight-its raining out, I had soup and fresh bread for dinner, Boomer went to doggie-care today and both kids called me( yeah OK so Mikey needed a baby pix for Italian class, but still, LOL, he does call just to say HI at times ).

I have done the dishes, taken out the trash, touched up my roots ( shhhh don't tell Chuck! :P) and cleaned one bathroom. Tea is up next with a look at anything TIVO caught for my perusal.

Life may not be the way I wanted it to be-but just for tonight, it's O.K.

I can sense hope flitting about, like a skittish dragonfly darting up and down, not quite sure just where to land .

But land she will, and soon. Right, honey?

Love you Dazzy. Always.

Kisses, Wifey